Ignorance is Bliss, My Blog Makes Me Face the Nightmare

Oh hello, you may remember me as the person who said she was going to keep this blog.

Here I am again.

Why haven’t I been here in a while? It’s here I have to face reality.

Why have I slacked on using YNAB? It’s there I have to face reality.

Why do I keep wasting time on Instagram? In there, I don’t have to face reality.

 

Oh Pauli P, you’re up to your old shit again my dear.

 

We had this problem growing up in my house. We’d set up a system, a chore chart, usually, and we’d say, this is what we’re going to do. And then… we would not do it.

I’ve always wanted to become the kind of person who did the things she said she was going to do.

In a large part, I have. I graduated college, I completed two years in Peace Corps, I finished my book. I’m going at doing the things I say I will do.

I’m still bad, however, at not doing the things I say I’m not going to do. Kelly McGonigal calls this “I Won’t Power” in her great book The Willpower Instinct. This year, I said I won’t spend the money that should go in my Fuck Off Funds.

And that, my friends, is going terribly. On paper.

Here’s what paper says:

  • I’m now almost $8,000 in debt from not saving for my taxes, and having to do a business loan, which is a fancy way to say I had to borrow money from my mom.
  • I’m back to my regular penpal, those little NSF slips

Here’s what my heart (or my denial) says:

  • This is a building year, building my reputation, my network, and my “brand”
  • I wrote an entire book, two years of work, for a take-home pay of about $5,000, so no shit I’m broke.

 

Here’s what my inner hard ass says:

  • Are you fucking kidding me? Quit spending money you don’t have. You are poor-ish. Act like it.
  • You could be working harder and spending less. But you’re not
  • Shut the fuck up.
  • What the fuck is wrong with you?
  • You’re a spoiled little shit.

Well that’s not very nice. Somewhere in the middle is the truth. Either way, the truth is that right now, I’m failing to make it as a freelance writer business.

Knowing you’re failing is good. You can change course.

Things I did today:

  • Redesigned my Excel spreadsheet with a fully separate personal and business financial section
  • Upgraded from Excel 2011 to 2016 to get the latest tools
  • Did a “fresh start” in YNAB
  • Signed up for Quickbooks
  • Wrote this blog post
  • Made these scary charts:

 

 

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